Panic and Release

It has been a rough few weeks.

Several weeks ago I received a mass email from my boss that our department may be facing budget cuts and he was going to a meeting with his manager that regarding staffing in our department. He made it clear to us that he was going to argue that we were short-handed as it is and that we could suffer no reduction in staff. This was a very scary moment for me because while we were in the process of hiring another supervisor to replace our recently departed friend, it was an internal hire. When lay-offs occur they go by order of seniority in the city system as opposed to by seniority in a department, so I am first up on the chopping block until someone else gets hired from the outside or until several years have passed.

I tried to stay chipper and failed. I could not sleep that night. Luckily though, things turned out like I had hoped and rather than laying me off, they elected to halt the hiring process, freezing the vacant position. I relaxed, feeling much more comfortable. The crisis was averted and their was a simple solution to the problem.

Then a few days ago I get another email telling those of us involved in an upcoming software project that we need to make it a number one priority as scheduling will be difficult with that vacant position and that we may lose another supervisor. I received that email at home on my day off and I did what any person would do in that situation. I panicked.

I paced back and forth around my apartment, freaking out and trying to figure out what was going on.

It literally cost me everything I had to uproot myself and move here for this job, and I am very glad that I did, but while I have now gotten everything organized/stabilized for myself after the move, I certainly could not afford to lose my income, even for a few weeks.

“What am I going to do?” I asked myself. “Where the fuck am I going to find myself another job quickly if I get fired?”

Then I counseled myself, “They need me. I’ve gotten involved in almost every major project. The department’s technological development has become dependent to some degree on my abilities to assist the IT people in making it happen. I’m too valuable.”

But I knew that when it came down to brass tacks it wouldn’t matter if it came to laying someone off.

I went to work yesterday sad and dejected, wondering if I was going to discover I would have to seek work elsewhere. One of my colleagues took me aside as soon as I came in the door.

She knew I would be freaking out so she wanted to make sure I knew that the latest email didn’t refer to lay offs at all, but that another person in our department may be leaving for another position elsewhere, and that the email should have been clearer about that.

“So you don’t have to worry,” she told me. “rust me, no one in upper management wants to risk losing you here.”

The relief and the compliment put a grin on my face that didn’t go away for the remainder of my day, and I was able to focus on the things I needed to like the upcoming software deployment.

I am actually excited to go to work today. It’s funny how you’re always happier about a job you know will be there tomorrow. :)