Skip to main content
  1. Dispatches/

Why I Will Never Succeed In Marketing

·386 words·2 mins
Articles funny personal
Daniel Andrlik
Daniel Andrlik
Daniel Andrlik lives in the suburbs of Philadelphia. By day he manages product teams. The rest of the time he is a podcast host and producer, writer of speculative fiction, a rabid reader, and a programmer.

I was leaving a parking garage late last night, and as I waited for the cashier to get me my change he surprised me by asking if I was interested in selling my car. It took me a moment to process his question, and I blinked at him from the interior of my rattling death machine. I was currently revving the engine in an attempt to keep it from dying, and I responded the only way I could think of.


“Oh,” he said, “my friend is looking for a car pretty much exactly like yours.”

“Ah, well, I’m pretty sure he wouldn’t want this one. It is on it’s last legs, er, wheels.”

“Oh.” He looked like he didn’t believe me.


He gave me my change and I drove off amazed. You see, apparently his friend is looking for a shaky little red car, with torn black vinyl seats (for the true summertime experience), and a windshield chipped in two places. I would never have thought there was a market for that. But I think of the affection I have developed for the crappy cars in my life and it sort of makes sense, I guess.

I think I’m going to start marketing my car on it’s bad points and see what kind of offers I get.

Looking for the car that screams poor college student? Look no further, I have the car for you! Check out these features:

Chipped windshield is perfect for highway driving, never fear gravel trucks again!

Black vinyl interior ensures that you will never be overtaken by chills in the summer again, in fact, you may lose all sensitivity in your back from contact burns!

Need a break from the heat? No worries, the cracks in the vinyl provide areas where you can give your body a break, and provide the attractive yellow stuffing particles that will give your black slacks a new look!

Who wants a boring ride? Engine issues ensure that you will be kept busy making sure the motor on this baby doesn’t stall.

Yes all this and more can be yours!

I think I’ll withhold on mentioning the speakers I blew out trying to listen to NPR talk shows on noisy interstate commutes. I have to have something I can use to clinch the sale.


·164 words·1 min
Articles food funny news personal
I am amused. The Isthmus Daily Page, which is the digital version of one of Madison’s free weekly newpapers cited my entry where I wrote about my short trip to the Taste of Madison.
Profitable Business Partnerships
·158 words·1 min
Articles funny personal weird
Many years ago, I was driving through the suburbs of Chicago with my girlfriend at the time and I saw what had to be a very profitable arrangement. Driving down the road I noticed a retirement home coming up on my right.
Day Trade
·277 words·2 mins
Articles funny personal
Today, I was patrolling the transfer point again and I got ensnared in a conversation with one of the riders, who was quite clearly not right in the head. At first, he was just going on about the problems we had been having down at that area and how he gets angry at the kids for being so stupid.